I was lying down, sleepless and restless at night, which is very much justifiable as i slept through half the day. I resorted to listening to music- first from the FM player and then from my christian mp3 collection. I do this on such sleepless occasions, as it keeps me distracted and i sleep off. As i lay tossing and turning, trying to relax and sleep, my mind started wandering and i caught myself doing something which i had not done in a couple of weeks.
I suddenly realised that i was thinking of how i would celebrate the victory i am going to achieve in the coming exam, with my friends. [For those of you who dont know, i'm in Delhi, the capital of India, taking coaching classes, preparing to write the Screening test for Foreign Medical Graduates(FMG's), to be held on the 27th of september 2009.] So, as i was saying, i was planning the celebration of passing the exam that 2 months away. Statistics show that, on an average, there is only a <10% pass percentage for this exam.
Well the irony of the story is that, for the past 2 weeks, i've had thoughts about the exam results, but always in the opposite direction. My thoughts would often wander off to think of what i'll do if i fail the exam- details like where i'll stay, who'll be my room mates, will i still talk to my friends often, etc. Even today morning, i was talking to Katie and i told her, i had fears of whether i'd pass this exam in the first go. But then, if that was my attitude towards the exam till today morning, what change came over me.
As i pondered over it, this wonderful realisation came to my mind that made me so happy that i lost the little sleepiness that i had. I realised the fact that, the last two weeks when i was away from my Father in heaven, due to my own sins and wrong ways, my thoughts were all directed towards defeat and hopelessness in life. I can even remember thinking that i had some deadly disease, when all i had were symptoms of an upper respiratory tract infection and an upset stomach.
But today morning, i decided that i wanted to be with Him and that, its in Him that my life finds fulfillment. Its in Him that i live. I'm reminded of words from a Petra song The Prodigal Song (or is it son)- something to the effect that- 'everyday that goes by without speaking; i live like i dont need You. But in my heart i recognise the lie. My every breath i draw from you'
So i realised, how my subconcious mind changes its thought process in tune with the inner life in me. For, when i'm away from Him, i'm as good as dead. There is no hope, no joy, no light- its all darkness; and all the thoughts of my subconcious direct me to the land of defeat and death. But as He comes into my life, there is new Life in me. There is strength, joy and peace that surpases all human understanding, and my subconcious mind is at peace- and it directs, even my lazy thoughts in directions of joy and victory.
He truly is my life. There is no life apart from Him.
I know, this is the experience of all our lives, as we live with Jesus everyday. But i just wanted to share it with you all.
Praise the Lord!
Have a nice day :-)
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